Jun 12th 2011, 20:29:32
...
begin trailer
...
written & directed / bad_carpet
inspired by / Jiggles the clown
creative criticism / Croaker
You are about to be subjected to nonsense unparalled.
...
end trailer
...
Clown Wars Episode IV : A New Dope
------
A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away...
Puke Piewalker attends his crack machine. His new droids, C3P-Mo and R2DDog stand nearby. A wizened old man enters the room.
Puke: ObiJigg GoBlowme!
ObiJigg: Yes, it is I. Puke, you must learn the ways of the Farce if you are to become a Beerguy, like your father.
Puke: You knew my father?
ObiJigg: Well, not exactly, I knew your mother. Your father could have been any one of a few dozen Beerguys.
Puke: Oh..uhm.
ObiJigg: Enough about that. Lets get going.
Hours later, ObiJigg, Puke, and the droids approach a town.
ObiJigg: Mos Nudesly spaceport. You will seldom find a more wretched hide of scum and villany. We must be cautious.
Puke: You mean to avoid thieves and murderers?
ObiJigg: No, I mean we must wear protection. You must suit your saber if you are to learn the ways of the Farce, Puke.
Puke looks up and notices armor clad soldiers drawing near.
Puke: Oh no, troopers!
Private Ghost: How long have you had these droids? I need to see some identification.
ObiJigg: You don't need pantification.
Private Ghost (smiling happily): You're right, these uniforms are hot.
Private Ghost removes his pants, revealing Batman speedos.
ObiJigg: Move along.
Private Ghost (smiling happily): I feel so free! Hey, look at me! Look at me!
Private Ghost skips down the dusty avenue. C3P-Mo looks. Intently.
ObiJigg: The Farce really screws up the weak minded.
Inside Mos Nudesly Cabaret. Puke and his companions are joined by two others, Han Si-lo and Chewbanks. Chewbanks is rather hairy and unnattractive.
ObiJigg: We're looking for passage to Barderan. Lets say we'd like to avoid any Pimperial entanglements.
Han Si-lo: You've got yourself a ship. Hey, kid. Your last name is Piewalker? I think I knew your mother.
Chewbanks: RAAAWWWRRR.
Han Si-lo: That's disgusting, Chewbanks.
Later, in the ship, ObiJigg swoons.
Puke: Are you alright?
ObiJigg: A tremor in the Farce. It is as if a million beers were spilled in an instant. I feel something terrible has happened.
Han looks out the window.
Han Si-lo: The entire planet is just...gone.
ObiJigg: No!
Puke: You had friends there? I'm sorry.
ObiJigg: Forget my friends, that planet had the best weekend drink specials.
Han Si-lo: We'll land on that small moon.
ObiJigg: That's no moon! THAT'S AN EVIL ASS!
Incredible gravitational pull from the enormous, and evil, ass draws the heroes in.
Inside the Ass-star, troopers, all fully clad except for one in Batman speedos, are -inspecting the ship. Our heroes remain hidden in a cramped compartment.
Han Si-lo: I never thought I’d be smuggling myself in one of these. By the way Chewie, quit breathing in my ear.
Chewbanks : RAWR!
Han Si-lo : What do you mean it isn’t you? Wait, then who’s hand is that…
Han leaps to his feet, banging open the trap door and toppling several troopers. C3P-Mo blushes.
Luke : Hey, we can use these uniforms to sneak past the guards.
C3P-Mo: I get the speedos!
R2Ddog : BEEP!
Disguised as guards, the clever group manages to capture the docking bar control post. ObiJigg departs to search the Ass-star’s mythical power source.
C3P-Mo : The owner of this article kept his name written on the tag. “Gee-aaych-oh-es-tee”
Han turns to see the droid wearing the undergarments around his head. Han snorts in disgust. Speaking of snorting, that reminds one of Snort. Who was currently …
…asphyxiating.
darth_carpet : I find your lack of faith disturbing.
General Snort <gagging> : Ach, ick, ook.
Grand Moth Duque : Enough! This bickering is pointless. carpet, release him!
Snort continues to choke. His face reddens and then blues.
Grand Moth Duque: I said release him!
darth_carpet : It isn’t me. He’s got salty peanuts stuck in his throat. Since you blew up Barderan we’ve got nothing to wash ‘em down with.
Admiral Zarubi : But the destruction of all beer is the goal of the Pimpire!
darth_carpet : Then I suggest you ban beer nuts as well, or you’ll have more causalities such as this.
Snort expires poorly. His attempts at drawing someone performing the Heimlich maneuver lead to a rather lewd game of Pictionary.
Back in the control room, Puke is trying to convince Han to go on a rescue mission.
Puke Piewalker : “She’s easy.”
Han Si-lo : “She’d better be. What’s her name?”
Puke Piewalker : “Ruthless Laya. Lot.”
Han Si-lo : “Laya. Lot. ?”
Puke nods.
Han Si-lo: “Interesting, I never heard of a name with a pause.”
Puke Piewalker <motioning to speedo-blinded C3P-Mo> : “And I bet you’d never heard of a gay android stalker either, but there you go.”
Han Si-lo: “Alright kid, what’s your plan?”
Puke Piewalker : “Let’s see, we’ll take these speedos…”
Puke tries to force Chewbanks to don the under garments. Chewbanks protests violently.
Han Si-lo: “It’s okay Chewbanks, I think I know what he has in mind.”
Scantily clad, Chewbanks stomps angrily out of the room.
R2Ddog : BEEP!
C3P-Mo: I think he’s upset about the situation, R2.
Han Si-lo: Nah, he’s just insulted you didn’t drool over him like you did that Pimperial guard when HE was wearing the speedos."
C3P-Mo : What? He’s hairier than a Canadian woman!
The last few words from the droid sounded garbled and didn’t quit match the movements of his lips (if he had had lips). The movie pauses and the lights in the theatre come on.
Usher : “Okay, who’s the wise guy?”
No one replies. One man in the front row hunkers down. The usher notices him and approaches.
Usher <grabbing the man’s arm> “Alright buddy. We’ve had enough of you interrupting films with your goddamn anti-canadian propaganda. Let’s go.”
Tar Heel <breaking free and running up the ailse> : “ACBA FOREVER! BAAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!”
Usher : “Sorry folks.”
The lights dim and the movie resumes.
C3P-Mo : “What? He’s hairier than a furred gagnonk!”
Han Si-lo : “Shh. Don’t say that so loud. Look, you guys lock the door. We’ll be back.”
The prison bay opens. Chewbanks enters first, followed by Han and Puke. While the guards stand agape at Chewie’s massive, uhh, equipment, Han and Puke surprise them with blasters. Han checks the information panel and discovers which cell holds the Ruthless. Puke goes to find her.
Han Si-lo : “Puke we’re gonna have company!”
The door is cut open and Han begins to hold off the guards. Despite the fact that the opening only allows one guard to enter at a time, and you would think that the bodies of the dead would clog it and slow the advance of others, and that Han is a fantastic shot and possesses an automatic weapon, he is unable to hold for more than a few seconds.
And on down the hall...
Ruthless Laya : “Aren’t you a little short for a storm trooper?”
Puke Piewalker: “What? Oh the helmet. I’m Puke Piewalker, I’m here to rescue you! I’m here with ObiJigg GoBlowMe.”
Ruthless Laya : “ObiJigg GoBlowMe? He owes my family a quintillion credits for an unpaid bar tab!”
Puke Piewalker: “Quick, lets get out of here.”
The pair exit and run right into the firefight.
Ruthless Laya : “This is some rescue. Didn’t you have a plan for getting out?”
Han Si-lo : “Maybe you’d like to get back in your cell, your layness?”
Ruthless Laya : “……”
Han Si-lo : “In fact, I was wondering if I could join you. I mean, if we’re going to die anyway why not-“
Han was cut off when the Ruthless grabbed Puke’s blaster and opened a hole in the floor.
Ruthless Laya : “Somebody has to save our skins. In the chute fly-boy!”
Han Si-lo <to Puke> : “I thought you said she was easy?”
The hapless adventurers slide merrily down the chute and land in a garbage compactor. Ruthless Laya manages to still have perfect buns despite her imprisonment, subsequent torture, and riotous escape. And by buns I mean her hair-do, perverts.
Chewbanks : “RAWR!”
Puke Piewalker : “What’s he moaning about?”
Han Si-lo : “It’s the smell. It reminds him of…”
Puke Piewalker : “Of what?”
Han Si-lo : “Never mind.”
Puke Piewalker : “No, really, what?”
Han Si-lo : “Your mother.”
Puke Piewalker : “Be serious, Han. This is no time for jokes.”
Han Si-lo <gravely> : “I am serious.”
Ruthless Laya: “Enough chit-chat dorks. How do we get out?”
There is nothing funny about being squashed in a garbage compactor, fighting tentacles, or the frustrating fact that Ruthless Laya never gets the top of her white gown soaked. Lets get back to ObiJigg GoBlowMe.
ObiJigg, using the farce, slips by a hundred or so Pimperial guards while his comrades rescue the Ruthless. The guards always fall for the ‘farce pebble’ trick, where ObiJigg throws a ‘pebble’ made of the farce, it clangs off the metal deck, and all guards within one hundred meters leap to discover what caused the clanging. It didn’t matter that were nearly a million people on the Ass-star, all of them quite busy and noisy, and another million or so mobile druids busier and noisier than the people; A Pimperial guard is instinctively drawn to the sound of a pebble clattering. It is irresistible to him. No din can hide it from him. No duty can prevent him from investigating its origin.
The power source for a moon sized pair of buttocks is not difficult to find, and is al
begin trailer
...
written & directed / bad_carpet
inspired by / Jiggles the clown
creative criticism / Croaker
You are about to be subjected to nonsense unparalled.
...
end trailer
...
Clown Wars Episode IV : A New Dope
------
A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away...
Puke Piewalker attends his crack machine. His new droids, C3P-Mo and R2DDog stand nearby. A wizened old man enters the room.
Puke: ObiJigg GoBlowme!
ObiJigg: Yes, it is I. Puke, you must learn the ways of the Farce if you are to become a Beerguy, like your father.
Puke: You knew my father?
ObiJigg: Well, not exactly, I knew your mother. Your father could have been any one of a few dozen Beerguys.
Puke: Oh..uhm.
ObiJigg: Enough about that. Lets get going.
Hours later, ObiJigg, Puke, and the droids approach a town.
ObiJigg: Mos Nudesly spaceport. You will seldom find a more wretched hide of scum and villany. We must be cautious.
Puke: You mean to avoid thieves and murderers?
ObiJigg: No, I mean we must wear protection. You must suit your saber if you are to learn the ways of the Farce, Puke.
Puke looks up and notices armor clad soldiers drawing near.
Puke: Oh no, troopers!
Private Ghost: How long have you had these droids? I need to see some identification.
ObiJigg: You don't need pantification.
Private Ghost (smiling happily): You're right, these uniforms are hot.
Private Ghost removes his pants, revealing Batman speedos.
ObiJigg: Move along.
Private Ghost (smiling happily): I feel so free! Hey, look at me! Look at me!
Private Ghost skips down the dusty avenue. C3P-Mo looks. Intently.
ObiJigg: The Farce really screws up the weak minded.
Inside Mos Nudesly Cabaret. Puke and his companions are joined by two others, Han Si-lo and Chewbanks. Chewbanks is rather hairy and unnattractive.
ObiJigg: We're looking for passage to Barderan. Lets say we'd like to avoid any Pimperial entanglements.
Han Si-lo: You've got yourself a ship. Hey, kid. Your last name is Piewalker? I think I knew your mother.
Chewbanks: RAAAWWWRRR.
Han Si-lo: That's disgusting, Chewbanks.
Later, in the ship, ObiJigg swoons.
Puke: Are you alright?
ObiJigg: A tremor in the Farce. It is as if a million beers were spilled in an instant. I feel something terrible has happened.
Han looks out the window.
Han Si-lo: The entire planet is just...gone.
ObiJigg: No!
Puke: You had friends there? I'm sorry.
ObiJigg: Forget my friends, that planet had the best weekend drink specials.
Han Si-lo: We'll land on that small moon.
ObiJigg: That's no moon! THAT'S AN EVIL ASS!
Incredible gravitational pull from the enormous, and evil, ass draws the heroes in.
Inside the Ass-star, troopers, all fully clad except for one in Batman speedos, are -inspecting the ship. Our heroes remain hidden in a cramped compartment.
Han Si-lo: I never thought I’d be smuggling myself in one of these. By the way Chewie, quit breathing in my ear.
Chewbanks : RAWR!
Han Si-lo : What do you mean it isn’t you? Wait, then who’s hand is that…
Han leaps to his feet, banging open the trap door and toppling several troopers. C3P-Mo blushes.
Luke : Hey, we can use these uniforms to sneak past the guards.
C3P-Mo: I get the speedos!
R2Ddog : BEEP!
Disguised as guards, the clever group manages to capture the docking bar control post. ObiJigg departs to search the Ass-star’s mythical power source.
C3P-Mo : The owner of this article kept his name written on the tag. “Gee-aaych-oh-es-tee”
Han turns to see the droid wearing the undergarments around his head. Han snorts in disgust. Speaking of snorting, that reminds one of Snort. Who was currently …
…asphyxiating.
darth_carpet : I find your lack of faith disturbing.
General Snort <gagging> : Ach, ick, ook.
Grand Moth Duque : Enough! This bickering is pointless. carpet, release him!
Snort continues to choke. His face reddens and then blues.
Grand Moth Duque: I said release him!
darth_carpet : It isn’t me. He’s got salty peanuts stuck in his throat. Since you blew up Barderan we’ve got nothing to wash ‘em down with.
Admiral Zarubi : But the destruction of all beer is the goal of the Pimpire!
darth_carpet : Then I suggest you ban beer nuts as well, or you’ll have more causalities such as this.
Snort expires poorly. His attempts at drawing someone performing the Heimlich maneuver lead to a rather lewd game of Pictionary.
Back in the control room, Puke is trying to convince Han to go on a rescue mission.
Puke Piewalker : “She’s easy.”
Han Si-lo : “She’d better be. What’s her name?”
Puke Piewalker : “Ruthless Laya. Lot.”
Han Si-lo : “Laya. Lot. ?”
Puke nods.
Han Si-lo: “Interesting, I never heard of a name with a pause.”
Puke Piewalker <motioning to speedo-blinded C3P-Mo> : “And I bet you’d never heard of a gay android stalker either, but there you go.”
Han Si-lo: “Alright kid, what’s your plan?”
Puke Piewalker : “Let’s see, we’ll take these speedos…”
Puke tries to force Chewbanks to don the under garments. Chewbanks protests violently.
Han Si-lo: “It’s okay Chewbanks, I think I know what he has in mind.”
Scantily clad, Chewbanks stomps angrily out of the room.
R2Ddog : BEEP!
C3P-Mo: I think he’s upset about the situation, R2.
Han Si-lo: Nah, he’s just insulted you didn’t drool over him like you did that Pimperial guard when HE was wearing the speedos."
C3P-Mo : What? He’s hairier than a Canadian woman!
The last few words from the droid sounded garbled and didn’t quit match the movements of his lips (if he had had lips). The movie pauses and the lights in the theatre come on.
Usher : “Okay, who’s the wise guy?”
No one replies. One man in the front row hunkers down. The usher notices him and approaches.
Usher <grabbing the man’s arm> “Alright buddy. We’ve had enough of you interrupting films with your goddamn anti-canadian propaganda. Let’s go.”
Tar Heel <breaking free and running up the ailse> : “ACBA FOREVER! BAAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!”
Usher : “Sorry folks.”
The lights dim and the movie resumes.
C3P-Mo : “What? He’s hairier than a furred gagnonk!”
Han Si-lo : “Shh. Don’t say that so loud. Look, you guys lock the door. We’ll be back.”
The prison bay opens. Chewbanks enters first, followed by Han and Puke. While the guards stand agape at Chewie’s massive, uhh, equipment, Han and Puke surprise them with blasters. Han checks the information panel and discovers which cell holds the Ruthless. Puke goes to find her.
Han Si-lo : “Puke we’re gonna have company!”
The door is cut open and Han begins to hold off the guards. Despite the fact that the opening only allows one guard to enter at a time, and you would think that the bodies of the dead would clog it and slow the advance of others, and that Han is a fantastic shot and possesses an automatic weapon, he is unable to hold for more than a few seconds.
And on down the hall...
Ruthless Laya : “Aren’t you a little short for a storm trooper?”
Puke Piewalker: “What? Oh the helmet. I’m Puke Piewalker, I’m here to rescue you! I’m here with ObiJigg GoBlowMe.”
Ruthless Laya : “ObiJigg GoBlowMe? He owes my family a quintillion credits for an unpaid bar tab!”
Puke Piewalker: “Quick, lets get out of here.”
The pair exit and run right into the firefight.
Ruthless Laya : “This is some rescue. Didn’t you have a plan for getting out?”
Han Si-lo : “Maybe you’d like to get back in your cell, your layness?”
Ruthless Laya : “……”
Han Si-lo : “In fact, I was wondering if I could join you. I mean, if we’re going to die anyway why not-“
Han was cut off when the Ruthless grabbed Puke’s blaster and opened a hole in the floor.
Ruthless Laya : “Somebody has to save our skins. In the chute fly-boy!”
Han Si-lo <to Puke> : “I thought you said she was easy?”
The hapless adventurers slide merrily down the chute and land in a garbage compactor. Ruthless Laya manages to still have perfect buns despite her imprisonment, subsequent torture, and riotous escape. And by buns I mean her hair-do, perverts.
Chewbanks : “RAWR!”
Puke Piewalker : “What’s he moaning about?”
Han Si-lo : “It’s the smell. It reminds him of…”
Puke Piewalker : “Of what?”
Han Si-lo : “Never mind.”
Puke Piewalker : “No, really, what?”
Han Si-lo : “Your mother.”
Puke Piewalker : “Be serious, Han. This is no time for jokes.”
Han Si-lo <gravely> : “I am serious.”
Ruthless Laya: “Enough chit-chat dorks. How do we get out?”
There is nothing funny about being squashed in a garbage compactor, fighting tentacles, or the frustrating fact that Ruthless Laya never gets the top of her white gown soaked. Lets get back to ObiJigg GoBlowMe.
ObiJigg, using the farce, slips by a hundred or so Pimperial guards while his comrades rescue the Ruthless. The guards always fall for the ‘farce pebble’ trick, where ObiJigg throws a ‘pebble’ made of the farce, it clangs off the metal deck, and all guards within one hundred meters leap to discover what caused the clanging. It didn’t matter that were nearly a million people on the Ass-star, all of them quite busy and noisy, and another million or so mobile druids busier and noisier than the people; A Pimperial guard is instinctively drawn to the sound of a pebble clattering. It is irresistible to him. No din can hide it from him. No duty can prevent him from investigating its origin.
The power source for a moon sized pair of buttocks is not difficult to find, and is al