Jun 12th 2011, 20:11:33
Act 1 : Of Moose and Men
Far north of the longest undefended border in the world, deep into the frozen wasteland of Canada, a cavernous building of ice loomed menacingly over its surroundings. Inside were two men, one pacing angrily, the other seemingly try to reason with him.
Tirol : You’re just afraid. Afraid to destroy them once for all. You know as well as I do they’ll never accept us.
Nazar : But they will! The United States will grow to view Canada as an equal. We must learn to live together in peace.
Tirol : I’m through dealing with you, Nazar. There is a war coming. Which side are you going to be on?
Minutes later, in another province, the phone rang. Judah ignored it. Judah hated foreigners, and as they owner of the only telephone in Canada, it certainly had to be a foreigner calling. The answering machine picked up (there are 12 million answering machines in Canada, although no one is sure why) and to Judah’s surprise, it wasn’t some stupid Yank telemarketer – it was Tirol.
Tirol : "Judah. The time has come. Make the preparations." <click>
Judah came to his feet. He crossed the room and gazed out of the window over his life’s work; The largest moose farm in the history of mankind.
Act 2 : The Mooser in the Rye
Eyes tinged with red, fingers numb from typing, the man signed off. He’d been online for 116 hours straight and needed a nap. He deserved a rest. Only a week had passed since he’d received his leader’s message.
"As Canada’s minister of propaganda, you will begin systematically brainwashing Yanks via the Internet. Do not fail me, Jer Bu."
Tirol would not be disappointed. His operative had already overrun the initials defenses of their greatest adversary, ACBA. ACBA’s members were outmatched. They were hindered by jobs, friends, and sexual relations with humans. Jer Bu had not these things. No Canadian did.
After 48 seconds of deep sleep, the Bu logged back on, ready for another marathon. His task for today was simple. Announce the intentions of Canada to the world.
Act 3 : Tale of Two Yankees
Two posters hung in bad_carpet’s office. One a copy of Monet’s Water Lillies, the other a graphic depiction of a Canadian lumberjack being squashed by a tank driving Uncle Sam. The latter attracted most of his attention. He was eyeing it when Tar Heel knocked on the door.
Tar Heel : "Quick, turn on the television!"
carpet did so. The news was on. A reporter was interviewing a white silhouette. The interviewer’s voice was clear, but the replies from the silhouette were garbled and unintelligible.
Tar Heel : What the hell is wrong with your goddamned television?
bad_carpet: What do you mean?
Tar Heel : Why the hell can’t we hear or see Jer Bu?
bad_carpet : Jer Bu? That Canuck bastard? It’s because I’ve installed a "Canuck-no-vision" filter for my home entertainment system. It keeps all things Canadians from entering my home and poisoning my mind. I copied it from the filter the French are using for all things American.
Tar Heel : How the hell do you plan on monitoring the Canucks if you can’t see or hear them?
bad_carpet : They can’t get me if I don’t let them brainwash me. Are you sure you don’t need to be sanitized?
Tar Heel grimaced. He should have been president of ACBA, not this blithering idiot. And where the hell was Zen, the Prophet? Someone must do something immediately. The Canadians had declared war.
Act 4 : Sex, Lies, and Moose
Jer Bu : Molson Canadian, I want you to begin bashing American beer at every turn. A nation’s beer is always close to its heart. Destroy their faith in Yankee brew, and the country will crumble. The Cloaked, I want you to invent preposterous statistics, use terrible logic, and make whatever uninformed generalizations you can. Americans will believe anything, even about themselves. And see if you can get the English to help. Patience, your job is the most important. You must woo the Americans with smooches, fluttering eyelashes, and lap dances. Now go forth, my minions! Death to America!
The minions : Death to America!
Act 5 : Nostrazenus
A crowd gathered around a man wearing only a tree branch and Doc Martins.
ZEN : Canucks are EVIL!
Crowd : Amen!
ZEN : Canucks are undermining our government!
Crowd : Tell it like it is!
ZEN : We must rid ourselves of all Canadian influence. Like our clothes. How do we know they weren’t made in Canada? How do we know a Canadian didn’t try them on at the store before we bought them?
Crowd (nodding) : Damn Canada!
The double doors in the back of the room opened, and PapaFunk entered clad in an alligator skin speed-o. They didn’t have alligators in Canada, that was for sure.
PapaFunk (saluting) : Hail ZEN! Word has come that the cyber invasion has begun! General Bu is leading an army of unemployed IRC junkies with a limitless supply of coffee. As we speak they’re spreading misinformation about American beer and education. And sir – they’ve poked fun at Texas.
Crowd : Gasp!
ZEN : You see?! My predictions have come true! Arm yourselves citizens! And take off those possibly tainted clothes.
Act 6 : Cameo-flauge
Reporter : The world sits and anxiously watches the events in North America unfold. Will a new super power arise? Will Tirol be king of the west? Will ACBA get its act together? Will Mulder ever bang Scully? Lets go to our expert guests and see what they think.
Reporter : Mr. Croaker, can ACBA recover from this first wave of Canadian propaganda? Millions of American’s everywhere are starting to believe themselves to be idiots, even though the country continues to be the center of technology, medicine, and entertainment of the world.
Croaker : Say wha? I didn’t realize I was supposed to bring an opinion to this interview…sorry.
Reporter : Mm, ohkay. Mr. happypeepeehead, what do you think? And where are you from anyway?
happypeepeehead : happypeepeehead thinks The United States and Canada reek of tinkle. happypeepeehead is moving to Pakistan.
Reporter : Ah, uh, yes. Thank you. Ahem. Mr. Roach, as an Australian, can you give us your view on this conflict?
Roach : I have to go. A dingo is outside eating my garbage. Oh … well … I will say Mulder will definitely bang Scully. He's so handsome.
Act 7 : The Man in the Iron Moose
Few know of it’s existence. But all those who do fear it, and shudder at it’s mention; the ACBA Reeducation Camp, or as it’s more commonly called, Mount Doom.
The camp’s newest prisoner sat exhausted on the floor of his cell. Silent.
doobie : So you want to argue about something else…or what…kid
grelk (voice barely audible) : No, please. No more talking. I can’t stand the pauses. Who are you, Captain Kirk?
doobie : don’t be a smart ass, punk…now tell me what I want to know…
grelk : I swear, I don’t know anything! I was just visiting.
doobie : but you admit that you went to Canada … that you spoke with Canucks?!
grelk : yes but, Emajica and I were only there for the weekend. I swear it!
doobie : Emajica ‘eh? Well if you won’t talk, maybe she will!
grelk : Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
Act 8 : Meeting of the minds. Sort of.
Tar Heel : It appears the Canucks have struck first. I’ve called you all together to discuss what we are to do. President carpet, do you have any ideas?
bad_carpet : Hmm?
Tar Heel : I said, do you have any ideas? Oh never mind. What the hell happened to your nose anyway?
bad_carpet (chuckling) : Oh, that. A drawback in my Canuck-no-vision sunglasses. I was in the park trying them out, and walked right into a maple…
Tar Heel (interrupting) : Enough about that. What say you, First Lady?
Mute : I have the solution. We will defeate Canada by eliminating their food supply. They will starve, and then surrender.
Tar Heel : Oh, goooood one smart guy. Canada is completely supported by ice fishing. Since the entire place is covered by ice, that leaves them a lot of room to fish now doesn’t it?
Mute (blushing) : Sorry.
bad_carpet : Fishing? I thought Canadians ate beans.
Tar Heel : Dammit! That is the Mexicans, you dolt.
bad_carpet : Oh yah. What are we going to do about them anyway?
Tar Heel : Nothing! It’s the Canadians we’re at war with! My god people! ZEN, help me out here.
ZEN : I foresee something terrible. A secret weapon. The Canadians have more planned than just psyche warfare.
Tar Heel : Well, what is it? How do we stop it?!
ZEN (while fainting) : I’m spent.
Act 8 : Meeting of the minds. Sort of.
Tar Heel : It appears the Canucks have struck first. I’ve called you all together to discuss what we are to do. President carpet, do you have any ideas?
bad_carpet : Hmm?
Tar Heel : I said, do you have any ideas? Oh never mind. What the hell happened to your nose anyway?
bad_carpet (chuckling) : Oh, that. A drawback in my Canuck-no-vision sunglasses. I was in the park trying them out, and walked right into a maple…
Tar Heel (interrupting) : Enough about that. What say you, First Lady?
Mute : I have the solution. We will defeate Canada by eliminating their food supply. They will starve, and then surrender.
Tar Heel : Oh, goooood one smart guy. Canada is completely supported by ice fishing. Since the entire place is covered by ice, that leaves them a lot of room to fish now doesn’t it?
Mute (blushing) : Sorry.
bad_carpet : Fishing? I thought Canadians ate beans.
Tar Heel : Dammit! That is the Mexicans, you dolt.
bad_carpet : Oh yah. What are we going to do about them anyway?
Tar Heel : Nothing! It’s the Canadians we’re at war with! My god people! ZEN, help me out here.
ZEN : I foresee something terrible. A secr
Far north of the longest undefended border in the world, deep into the frozen wasteland of Canada, a cavernous building of ice loomed menacingly over its surroundings. Inside were two men, one pacing angrily, the other seemingly try to reason with him.
Tirol : You’re just afraid. Afraid to destroy them once for all. You know as well as I do they’ll never accept us.
Nazar : But they will! The United States will grow to view Canada as an equal. We must learn to live together in peace.
Tirol : I’m through dealing with you, Nazar. There is a war coming. Which side are you going to be on?
Minutes later, in another province, the phone rang. Judah ignored it. Judah hated foreigners, and as they owner of the only telephone in Canada, it certainly had to be a foreigner calling. The answering machine picked up (there are 12 million answering machines in Canada, although no one is sure why) and to Judah’s surprise, it wasn’t some stupid Yank telemarketer – it was Tirol.
Tirol : "Judah. The time has come. Make the preparations." <click>
Judah came to his feet. He crossed the room and gazed out of the window over his life’s work; The largest moose farm in the history of mankind.
Act 2 : The Mooser in the Rye
Eyes tinged with red, fingers numb from typing, the man signed off. He’d been online for 116 hours straight and needed a nap. He deserved a rest. Only a week had passed since he’d received his leader’s message.
"As Canada’s minister of propaganda, you will begin systematically brainwashing Yanks via the Internet. Do not fail me, Jer Bu."
Tirol would not be disappointed. His operative had already overrun the initials defenses of their greatest adversary, ACBA. ACBA’s members were outmatched. They were hindered by jobs, friends, and sexual relations with humans. Jer Bu had not these things. No Canadian did.
After 48 seconds of deep sleep, the Bu logged back on, ready for another marathon. His task for today was simple. Announce the intentions of Canada to the world.
Act 3 : Tale of Two Yankees
Two posters hung in bad_carpet’s office. One a copy of Monet’s Water Lillies, the other a graphic depiction of a Canadian lumberjack being squashed by a tank driving Uncle Sam. The latter attracted most of his attention. He was eyeing it when Tar Heel knocked on the door.
Tar Heel : "Quick, turn on the television!"
carpet did so. The news was on. A reporter was interviewing a white silhouette. The interviewer’s voice was clear, but the replies from the silhouette were garbled and unintelligible.
Tar Heel : What the hell is wrong with your goddamned television?
bad_carpet: What do you mean?
Tar Heel : Why the hell can’t we hear or see Jer Bu?
bad_carpet : Jer Bu? That Canuck bastard? It’s because I’ve installed a "Canuck-no-vision" filter for my home entertainment system. It keeps all things Canadians from entering my home and poisoning my mind. I copied it from the filter the French are using for all things American.
Tar Heel : How the hell do you plan on monitoring the Canucks if you can’t see or hear them?
bad_carpet : They can’t get me if I don’t let them brainwash me. Are you sure you don’t need to be sanitized?
Tar Heel grimaced. He should have been president of ACBA, not this blithering idiot. And where the hell was Zen, the Prophet? Someone must do something immediately. The Canadians had declared war.
Act 4 : Sex, Lies, and Moose
Jer Bu : Molson Canadian, I want you to begin bashing American beer at every turn. A nation’s beer is always close to its heart. Destroy their faith in Yankee brew, and the country will crumble. The Cloaked, I want you to invent preposterous statistics, use terrible logic, and make whatever uninformed generalizations you can. Americans will believe anything, even about themselves. And see if you can get the English to help. Patience, your job is the most important. You must woo the Americans with smooches, fluttering eyelashes, and lap dances. Now go forth, my minions! Death to America!
The minions : Death to America!
Act 5 : Nostrazenus
A crowd gathered around a man wearing only a tree branch and Doc Martins.
ZEN : Canucks are EVIL!
Crowd : Amen!
ZEN : Canucks are undermining our government!
Crowd : Tell it like it is!
ZEN : We must rid ourselves of all Canadian influence. Like our clothes. How do we know they weren’t made in Canada? How do we know a Canadian didn’t try them on at the store before we bought them?
Crowd (nodding) : Damn Canada!
The double doors in the back of the room opened, and PapaFunk entered clad in an alligator skin speed-o. They didn’t have alligators in Canada, that was for sure.
PapaFunk (saluting) : Hail ZEN! Word has come that the cyber invasion has begun! General Bu is leading an army of unemployed IRC junkies with a limitless supply of coffee. As we speak they’re spreading misinformation about American beer and education. And sir – they’ve poked fun at Texas.
Crowd : Gasp!
ZEN : You see?! My predictions have come true! Arm yourselves citizens! And take off those possibly tainted clothes.
Act 6 : Cameo-flauge
Reporter : The world sits and anxiously watches the events in North America unfold. Will a new super power arise? Will Tirol be king of the west? Will ACBA get its act together? Will Mulder ever bang Scully? Lets go to our expert guests and see what they think.
Reporter : Mr. Croaker, can ACBA recover from this first wave of Canadian propaganda? Millions of American’s everywhere are starting to believe themselves to be idiots, even though the country continues to be the center of technology, medicine, and entertainment of the world.
Croaker : Say wha? I didn’t realize I was supposed to bring an opinion to this interview…sorry.
Reporter : Mm, ohkay. Mr. happypeepeehead, what do you think? And where are you from anyway?
happypeepeehead : happypeepeehead thinks The United States and Canada reek of tinkle. happypeepeehead is moving to Pakistan.
Reporter : Ah, uh, yes. Thank you. Ahem. Mr. Roach, as an Australian, can you give us your view on this conflict?
Roach : I have to go. A dingo is outside eating my garbage. Oh … well … I will say Mulder will definitely bang Scully. He's so handsome.
Act 7 : The Man in the Iron Moose
Few know of it’s existence. But all those who do fear it, and shudder at it’s mention; the ACBA Reeducation Camp, or as it’s more commonly called, Mount Doom.
The camp’s newest prisoner sat exhausted on the floor of his cell. Silent.
doobie : So you want to argue about something else…or what…kid
grelk (voice barely audible) : No, please. No more talking. I can’t stand the pauses. Who are you, Captain Kirk?
doobie : don’t be a smart ass, punk…now tell me what I want to know…
grelk : I swear, I don’t know anything! I was just visiting.
doobie : but you admit that you went to Canada … that you spoke with Canucks?!
grelk : yes but, Emajica and I were only there for the weekend. I swear it!
doobie : Emajica ‘eh? Well if you won’t talk, maybe she will!
grelk : Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
Act 8 : Meeting of the minds. Sort of.
Tar Heel : It appears the Canucks have struck first. I’ve called you all together to discuss what we are to do. President carpet, do you have any ideas?
bad_carpet : Hmm?
Tar Heel : I said, do you have any ideas? Oh never mind. What the hell happened to your nose anyway?
bad_carpet (chuckling) : Oh, that. A drawback in my Canuck-no-vision sunglasses. I was in the park trying them out, and walked right into a maple…
Tar Heel (interrupting) : Enough about that. What say you, First Lady?
Mute : I have the solution. We will defeate Canada by eliminating their food supply. They will starve, and then surrender.
Tar Heel : Oh, goooood one smart guy. Canada is completely supported by ice fishing. Since the entire place is covered by ice, that leaves them a lot of room to fish now doesn’t it?
Mute (blushing) : Sorry.
bad_carpet : Fishing? I thought Canadians ate beans.
Tar Heel : Dammit! That is the Mexicans, you dolt.
bad_carpet : Oh yah. What are we going to do about them anyway?
Tar Heel : Nothing! It’s the Canadians we’re at war with! My god people! ZEN, help me out here.
ZEN : I foresee something terrible. A secret weapon. The Canadians have more planned than just psyche warfare.
Tar Heel : Well, what is it? How do we stop it?!
ZEN (while fainting) : I’m spent.
Act 8 : Meeting of the minds. Sort of.
Tar Heel : It appears the Canucks have struck first. I’ve called you all together to discuss what we are to do. President carpet, do you have any ideas?
bad_carpet : Hmm?
Tar Heel : I said, do you have any ideas? Oh never mind. What the hell happened to your nose anyway?
bad_carpet (chuckling) : Oh, that. A drawback in my Canuck-no-vision sunglasses. I was in the park trying them out, and walked right into a maple…
Tar Heel (interrupting) : Enough about that. What say you, First Lady?
Mute : I have the solution. We will defeate Canada by eliminating their food supply. They will starve, and then surrender.
Tar Heel : Oh, goooood one smart guy. Canada is completely supported by ice fishing. Since the entire place is covered by ice, that leaves them a lot of room to fish now doesn’t it?
Mute (blushing) : Sorry.
bad_carpet : Fishing? I thought Canadians ate beans.
Tar Heel : Dammit! That is the Mexicans, you dolt.
bad_carpet : Oh yah. What are we going to do about them anyway?
Tar Heel : Nothing! It’s the Canadians we’re at war with! My god people! ZEN, help me out here.
ZEN : I foresee something terrible. A secr