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Cave Johnson

Member
17

Mar 8th 2016, 13:58:31

Those of you who volunteered to be injected with praying mantis DNA, I've got some good news and some bad news. Bad news is we're postponing those tests indefinitely. Good news is we've got a much better test for you: fighting an army of mantis men. Pick up a rifle and follow the yellow line. You'll know when the test starts.

Cave Johnson

Member
17

Feb 29th 2016, 3:57:13

I have some lemons you may be interested in.

Cave Johnson

Member
17

May 29th 2015, 19:04:26

https://youtu.be/GGPIQ72-2Vg

Cave Johnson

Member
17

Mar 21st 2015, 22:59:02

We’re gonna try and collapse three-dimensional space in this next test. We’re not gonna tell you when. Just give us a holler if everything starts looking flat.

Cave Johnson

Member
17

Dec 18th 2014, 19:48:31

Originally posted by Iron Mike Tyson:
You should name them all after me.


No, they should all be named after astronauts, war heros and Olympians!

Cave Johnson

Member
17

Nov 24th 2014, 22:35:13

Originally posted by mrford:
This server sucks so much it isn't even worth me showing you how much better than you all I am.


Do you know who I am? I'm the man who's going to burn your house down! With the lemons! I'm going to get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!

Cave Johnson

Member
17

Nov 14th 2014, 4:55:26

Originally posted by Frybert:
I would have waited a bit til you had more missiles.

I'm telling 'em, keep your pants on.

Cave Johnson

Member
17

Nov 14th 2014, 4:54:30

Originally posted by crest23:
Better than being a dumbass dimwit, but yes, let's change the topic.

I'm no psychiatrist, but coming from a bunch of eggheads who wouldn't recognize the thrill of danger if it walked up and snapped their little pink bras, that sounds like 'projection'.

Cave Johnson

Member
17

Nov 10th 2014, 18:26:37

Congratulations to the winner. We're making a note here, "HUGE SUCCESS."

Cave Johnson

Member
17

Nov 3rd 2014, 0:05:58

Alright, test's over. You can head on back to your desk.

Cave Johnson

Member
17

Nov 2nd 2014, 22:45:50

Originally posted by Jackelope:
Ok fella.... You ride the short bus to school do ya??? =)


Originally posted by Furious999:
Why should I beware of Johnson?


Let me answer those questions with a question: Who wants to make sixty dollars? Cash.

Cave Johnson

Member
17

Nov 2nd 2014, 15:56:11

For many of you, I realize 60 dollars is an unprecedented windfall, so don't go spending it all on... I don't know. Caroline, what do these people buy? Tattered hats? Beard dirt?

Cave Johnson

Member
17

Nov 2nd 2014, 15:44:23

Congratulations! The simple fact that you're standing here listening to me means you've made a glorious contribution to science.

Cave Johnson

Member
17

Nov 1st 2014, 15:41:03

Yes, you. Box. Your stuff. Out the front door. Parking lot. Car. Goodbye.

Cave Johnson

Member
17

Nov 1st 2014, 15:16:41

Science isn't about WHY. It's about WHY NOT. Why is so much of our science dangerous? Why not marry safe science if you love it so much. In fact, why not invent a special safety door that won't hit you on the butt on the way out, because you are fired.

Cave Johnson

Member
17

Oct 29th 2014, 0:14:25

They say great science is built on the shoulders of giants. Not here. At Aperture, we do all our science from scratch. No hand holding.

Cave Johnson

Member
17

Oct 27th 2014, 0:39:15

Welcome, gentlemen, to Aperture Science. Astronauts, war heroes, Olympians--you're here because we want the best, and you are it. So: Who is ready to make some science? Now, you already met one another on the limo ride over, so let me introduce myself. I'm Cave Johnson. I own the place.