Jan 20th 2015, 10:37:17
About 15 months ago now, at 26 years of age, I realized there was, and had always been, something majorly and fundamentally wrong in my life. It didn't take me long to connect the dots and work out what it was, only about 5 straight days of not a single minute of sleep. Upon reaching the answer, it was incredibly obvious.
Looking back, I recognise now that I had spent the majority of my life, probably from the age of 10 up until my realization, seriously depressed in the truest sense of the word. With every spare moment I sought escape from the real world - anything that could hold my entire focus for as long as possible. Computer games were perfect.
Alongside this, I was emotionally numb. This is hard to explain, but effectively: I was never upset or sad. I never cried, even when I wanted to. I couldn't, and still can't, get angry. I had very little excitement or enthusiasm for anything. There were definitely moments of happiness, which most definitely masked my issues, but I was never just happy. Life was just, quite literally, going through the motions. I felt like a spectator, not a participant.
Fortunately, that is all in the past. I am now Emma at home, at work, with my family and friends. Starting this process was like opening my eyes for the very first time. The incredible feeling of gaining access to all the emotions I had gone so long without was just short of overwhelming. I caught myself smiling without any conscious thought, crying while watching Frozen for the 3rd time (fluff I loved that movie). I suddenly felt no need to constantly distract my mind.
Am I the first? Am I the only (known) trans Earther?
Happy to answer any questions too :p
