Someone please tell a joke.

A pirate walks into a bar and he has a steering wheel in his pants. He sits down at the bar and orders a drink. The bartender asks: "What's the deal with the steering wheel? Isn't that rather uncomfortable?"

The pirate responds: "Arrr!! It's driving me nuts!"

Two blondes decide they're going to help Habitat for Humanity and they volunteer to help build a house.

One of them notices that the other keeps picking random nails out of the box, nailing a few of them in but throwing the others away, so she asked "Why are you throwing those away?"

The other blonde responds: "They're facing the wrong direction!"

So the first blonde starts picking the nails up and scolds her saying "You idiot! They're for the other side of the house!"

A bear walks into a bar and says: "I'm like a gin...

...and tonic."

The bartender asked, "What's with the pause?"

The bear held up his paws and said "I'm a bear."

And an antijoke!

Q: How do you confuse a blonde?

A: Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.

Some kids called me fatty as I walked down the street today...


I just turned the other chin.

The anti-joke alternative:

A bear walks into a bar and says: "I'd like a gin...

...and tonic."

The bartender asked, "What's with the pause?"

The bear held up his paws and said "I had a stroke a few years ago."

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "That would be my wife."

An old lady at the bank asked me if I could help her check her balance. So I pushed her over.



A man goes to the doctor for his annual check-up, and the doctor tells him, "You need to stop masturbating."
The man asks, "Why?"
The doctor replies, "Because I'm trying to examine you"




Two whales walk into a bar. The bartender asks them what they want.
The first whale replies: WOOOOOOWWWWWW WOOOOOOOEEEEEEEEEEE WOAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAA WOOOOO
The second whale says: "Frank, you're drunk".

I'll be here all night.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra

Did I hear someone say one-liners?

I saw a chameleon today. Needless to say, it was a fluffty chameleon.


Some Mitch Hedberg love..

"I don't own a microwave, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks fluff"

"People handing fliers out on the street are basically saying, 'Here. You throw this away.'"

"I don't have a girlfriend; what I do have is a girl who would be pretty pissed if she heard me say that."

"I think pringles was a laid back company. They started out as a tennis ball company but recieved an order of potatoes by mistake. They said "Ah fluffit, cut em up"

"I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long."

K I'm done.

A drunken student is showing girl he picked up around his apartment, after going through the house the girl notices there's a giant gong and a mallet in one of the rooms. She asks "whats the deal with the gong?"

He replies with "that's not a gong, its a talking clock", she is amazed and asks how it works, the man proceeds to whack the the gong with the mallet, the two of them stood looking at one another for a moment.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed,
'HEY MAN, it's three fifteen in the bloody morning"

A little boy walks to his Grandparents' house, only to find Grandpa sitting on the front porch with no pants on.

The little boy walks up to the porch and asks his Grandpa, "GRANDPA, GRANDPA, what on earth are you doing out here without any pants on?!"

Grandpa replies, "... Ohhh it's your Grandmothers fault!"
"Yesterday I was out here with no shirt on and I got a stiff neck!"

-------------

Excerpts from an actual joke book circa 1990s:

Q: Why are Elephants grey?
A: So you don't mistake them for a strawberry.

Q: Why did the Elephant paint his toenails blue?
A: So he could hide in the Blueberry bush!

What did the fish say when he ran into the wall?


Dam




So these 3 blonde were walking through the woods when they came upon a set Of tracks. The first blond said "I think they are deer tracks" the seccond blond says "no way, they are bobcat tracks I have seen them before" the third blond says "you both are wrong, they are clearly bear tracks" they argued for a bit.

10 minutes later they were hit by the train!



Go into a bar and order an Osama. It's 2 shots and a splash of water.

This guy goes running into a bar all in a rush and outta breath.

Looks at the bartender and says "Quick,quick,quick I need 10 shots of Jack Daniels and make it fast son."

Bartender hurries and pours out 10 shots real fast. Pushes em to the man.

The man slams them all right quick, one after another.

Bartender looks at hem and says "Man I ain't never seen nobody drink 10 shots that fast. Whats your problem?"

The guys looks at him and says" You'd drink like that too if you had what I had."

The bartender steps back a little and asks" Whoah, What have you got man?"

The guy smiles at the bartender and says " A dollar fifty!" And runs back out the door

LMAO!

A molester walks into the woods with a kid, looks down and says "What are you crying about? I gotta walk otta here alone ! "

Guy walks up to hooker and says "I'd like a little fluff." Hooker looks at him and says "Me too, mine is as big as a house."

two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff.
ba-dum tsh.

When blacks move into a neighborhood, why are the following items no longer sold in grocery stores?

a)tampons
b)bikes
c)aspirin

Answers:
.
.
.
.
.
.
a)they are always pregnant
b)cause blacks steal em
c)cause they refuse to pick the cotton out

This is just an innocent joke btw, and i intend to spread no stereotypes.

A preppy type of guy goes into the old timer bar.. Sits down and asks the tender for a shot of 20 year old whiskey.. There were 6 or seven people sitting there, and this really old man sitting at the end of the bar..
The bartender says, "I'll have to go in to the back, to find that.." The bar tender disappears into the back room, but only finds the 10 year old whiskey. He figured the guy would never tell the difference between the 2, so he brings it out pours a shot, and puts it in front of this guy..

The guy takes a drink.. Spits it out, and screams, "Jeeze, this tastes like piss! Hey! I didn't want no 10 year old whiskey, I ordered 20 year old whiskey!"

Bartender apologizes and goes back into the backroom, where he finds only, some 15 year old whiskey.. He thinks there's no way this dude could tell the difference of 5 years, so he pours a shot and hands it to the guy..

The guy takes a drink and says, "Jeeze this tastes terrible! Hey! I didn't order any 15 year old whiskey, I ordered 20 year old whiskey!"

The bartender tells the guy how sorry he was and again, vanishes into the back..

Meanwhile, the old man at the end of the bar finally made his way up to this guy and plops a shot on the bar, and says, "Here, take a taste of this!"

The guy takes a good taste , then spits it out and says, "Jeeze! This tastes like piss!"

The old guy replies, "Right!
How old am I?"

Nice one QM.

I skimmed it the first time and it totally went over my head, though.

And for the record, this is the most sense QM's ever made on FFAT.

+1 for qm

+1 QM...made me spit my coffee out lol

A streaker runs up to three nuns on a park bench and flashes them

the first nun had a stroke

the second nun had a stroke

the third nun could not reach

Chuck Norris secretly sleeps with every woman in the world once a month.
They bleed for a week as a result.

?..........























ACID in YO FACE !!!!!!!

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E and F are the letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for... It is about time you became informed:

A ... Almost Boobs
B ... Barely there.
C ... Can't Complain!
D ... Damn!
DD... Double damn!
E ... Enormous!
F ... Fake